truTV - Not reality. Actuality

Posted 2 months ago at 3:02 pm. 0 comments

Lately I have become quite addicted to truTV.  Speeders, Most Shocking, Most Daring, you name it.  If they are chasing, kicking, shooting or arresting - I’m watching it.  And it’s not because I am really all that interested.  It’s because I just love seeing how stupid people really are.

I have a Bachelor of Science in Criminal Justice.  I know the justice system inside and out from an education standpoint but not from a hands on experience standpoint.  At first, when I decided to take the Criminal Justice path, I thought I wanted to work for the government.  The more I learned about the justice system and the government, the less I wanted to have anything to do with them, other than paying my taxes.  I don’t want to do that either but I gotta - at least that’s what the man says.

I told you that story to tell you this story.  No I wasn’t in a bar in New York City (those of you who are Ron White fans should pick up on that one).

I have to ask myself…. “self…how much is your life worth?”  “how much money would make putting your life on the line every day worth it?”  Most people out there would say there is no amount.  If you ask a cop I can guarantee you he will tell you he is worth more than what he makes.  In fact - you ask any employed American if they are getting paid what they are worth and I am sure 99% of them will tell you “no”.

So I’m sitting watching one of my shows, don’t remember which, doesn’t matter.  There were cops and idiots.  Sometimes the cops were the idiots.  In one particular case the cop was trying to talk to this dude who didn’t want to talk to him.  It was in a seedy area of town otherwise known as “The Ghetto”

The dude said he didn’t have to talk to the cop and the cop should leave him alone, at which point 3 of his esteemed colleagues came over and clarified to the police officer (who was flying solo in this act) that he (the dude) in fact did not have to talk to him and that the cop should get out of there before they whoop his ass.  He keeps attempting to talk to the dude and the dude keeps getting more belligerent as well as his cohorts.  One thing leads to another and they in fact commence to whooping this cops ass right in front of people all up and down the sidewalk.  So I ask my wife this… “At what point is it ok to pull out your gun and just start plugging hot lead in their asses?”

If you are dumb enough to fight with or punch a cop and/or attack a cop with a group of your friends, I think you should expect that you may get tazed, pepper sprayed or in fact shot.

At the end of the show I came to this conclusion:

Being a cop takes a lot of patience and self control.  I have neither.

My July 4th uhhh…. Celebration?

Posted 2 months ago at 10:01 pm. 0 comments

Does anyone know who Bobby Flay is?  Read about him real quick then come back.  Go ahead…I’ll wait…

The reason I mention him is because I have one of his cookbooks.  Let me rewind a little.  Last Saturday, June 28th, was my birthday.  For my birthday I got a brand new Charmglow 5 Burner Stainless Steel super duper fly bad ass gas grill.  My Wife, new baby Hannah and Father-in-Law Larry all chipped in to buy it for me.  I’ve used it 2 times not including today.  I cooked some steaks one night and a few burgers the next night.

A few days ago I was looking through my “Boy Meets Grill” cookbook by Bobby Flay.  I wanted to cook out for the 4th so I was looking for a good recipe for Ribs.  There just happens to be a good recipe in this book for Indian Spiced Pork Ribs so I photocopied the recipe and asked my wife to pick up the ingredients.

The recipe calls for 4 slabs of Ribs plus a bunch of herbs and spices for the sauce.  She got most of it but today we had to get a few other ingredients.  We got up this morning and got going about lunch time.  We went to Home Depot, the grocery store, the Mexican meat market and picked up Propane for the grill just in case we ran out.

By the time we got home it was after 2 pm.  I started on the sauce about 3 pm.  It takes about an hour and is a lot of work for someone who does not cook the stuff every day.  In the midst of making the sauce (while it was simmering) I brushed the ribs with olive oil, salt and pepper (which is what the recipe calls for) and pre-heated the grill.  I put them on and set a timer for 2 hours knowing that I would be checking on them throughout the 2 hour time period.  I had the grill set on the lowest setting.  I checked them once and re-arranged them a little bit.

I then went back to my sauce and cleaning up some of my mess.  About 15 minutes later my wife looks out the back door to check the temperature on the grill and yells for me “honey something is wrong, you better come here the temperature says 800 degrees.”

I ran to the back door and sure as shit the thermometer is pegged out.  I thought to myself there must be something wrong with it so I lifted the lid up.  There was nothing wrong with the thermometer.  All 4 slabs of my ribs were engulfed in flames.  The inside of the lid of my brand new grill was covered with soot from the flames and the outside is discolored from the heat.  I was in a panic, not knowing what to do.  I turned off all the burners and cut the gas off.  I ran inside to get something (still not sure at this point) to put the fire out.  I came back out side, ribs still flaming, and looked at the grill.  Then it clicked “get the water hose dumb ass.”

I got the hose and put it on mist.  The fire was out in a few seconds but the damage was done.  Has anyone ever seen CSI?  My ribs were charred like that of a body pulled from a flaming building.  They were literally flaking apart.

So here I am with $40 worth of charred useless pork ribs, a gas grill that is a week old that looks like I bought it at a fire sale and homemade BBQ sauce that took me at least an hour to prepare.  I was fumed.  I had invited my Mom and Grandmother over to eat with us and now the whole plan is shot to shit.

I called my mom and told her I just f’d up the ribs and the cook out was pretty much over.  Being the Mom she is, she came anyway and stopped to pick up ribs (already cooked) on her way.  So we ate, played with the baby and visited.  Note to self - either don’t cook ribs or pay attention to the grill the entire time they are on.

The law in the State of Texas says……….

Posted 2 months, 1 week ago at 2:30 pm. 0 comments

……………You gotta have a front license plate on your vehicle.

That’s all fine and dandy but they are making it difficult to abide by the law.  I called TXDOT today because I need replacement plates for my vehicle.  I have personalized plates and I know there is a fee to have them replaced.  The car wash damn near tore off my front license plate so I want a shiny new one with no defects.  Is that so much to ask.  Apparently so.

They told me that I have to pay for the plates since they don’t qualify for free replacement.  Fine.  I already know that and have already had to do this once before.  Last time I did it I made a phone call, they ordered the plates, I went to pick them up and paid the measly $5.35 fee to get them.  Now they tell me I have to drive all the way over to the tag office (at $4.00+ a gallon fuel and 15 mpg) to pay the fee, THEN AND ONLY THEN will they order my replacement plates which means (Yep, you guessed it) I have to drive back out there again (at probably $5.00 a gallon fuel by the time they get here) and pick them up.  Re - Tard - Ed.

So - guess what I told her.  “I’ll just have to run without a front plate and when I get pulled over by the Highway patrol for not having one I will tell him that the tag office refused to order my replacement plates”

What do ya think about that?

Babies and dirty diapers

Posted 2 months, 1 week ago at 11:27 am. 0 comments

The dude that invented Pampers is sitting on a gold mine, no doubt about it.

Keep your trash can handy (that’s for the people out there who don’t have kids and have yet to really experience the disgusting foulness that can come out of your child’s butt).

I remember my Mom or Nanny asking me before our baby was born “are you going to change dirty diapers?”  I said “of course….what kind of Dad do you think I am going to be?”

So when our little bundle of joy arrived I dove in head first.  They don’t stink when the baby is brand new (and everyone will tell you this if you don’t have kids yet).  This is true.  They did not stink.  They were pretty funky looking but no funky smell.

That lasts a couple of weeks.  I can’t really remember how long it was before they started to smell like……….well…….Shit…….. but the day came oh too soon.  Oh how I long for the days of dirty diapers that do not smell but they are gone forever.  Sometimes there is just a little squirt in there which is an easy 1 wipe and diaper swap but sometimes I get in there and say “What in the name of all that is Holy is wrong with my child?”

Those of you with kids know what I am talking about.  I mean there’s shit that looks like jiffy peanut butter (the crunchy kind), caramel, tar, mudslide and sometimes I just say “Honey - get the camera, no one’s every gonna believe this shit came out of a child!!”

Sometimes it is so liquified that it oozes up the back of her diaper and explodes out the back like a shit volcano.  I mean what the hell causes that.  It’s like Mount Shitius back there.  There have been times that we were just like “man the hell with this, I’m giving her a bath” because a few wipes just wont do the trick.  I’m not conservative when it comes to baby ass wipes but there is only so much shit I want to get on my hands while attempting to clean up what looks like a mud hole that a horse drawn carriage has driven through.

And all this while she is kicking and flailing stomping her little feet into the shit filled, mud slide, Mount Shitius shit flowing diaper pocket.

Parents you have been there.  Don’t deny it.  What goes in must come out no matter how nasty it looks or smells.  If you are not a parent you are probably saying “no way would I ever want to change a dirty diaper” but you wait until they get here and that will all change.  Stay tuned for more excitement.  As my wife has said “this is the beginning of a new chapter in our lives”